A good friend and valued reader asked me for a better navigation system on the blog so that she – others have made the same request – could follow the blog backwards in time more easily. I answered that I was a live-in-the-moment type of person and didn’t understand this idea of looking back, this sense of curiosity and nostalgia. If I were to spend more money on the blog navigation, it would be for new things, things for now, for the future. I do not look backwards at my losses, struggles and failures, the rich experiences and painful ones, at the dogs who are gone, at the mistakes and triumphs of other times, I understand that this means I am the freak, not everyone else. Or maybe it fits with my growing understanding of myself as an autist. But, she said, some of those times were amazing moments, and I got to thinking in my meditation this morning, about amazing moments.
My life is full of amazing moments, I do not see those in the past as being richer or more amazing than the ones I experienced this morning. The sun bursting over the pasture. Maria talking to her flowers, encouraging them. Red setting out to organize the pasture. The chickens beginning their long march for bugs. The mist on the hills, the exotic new Dahlia I found flirting with me, Flo taking over yet another chair in the heat. I took photos that I love, held the hand of the woman I loved, lay in bed with her and talked about the day together – could there be a moment any more amazing than that? – planned for our open house on Sunday, wondered who would show up, what they would find, looked at the amazing daily offerings of the Open Group, worried about needy friends who can’t seem to take responsibility for their lives, and those others who are fulfilling themselves in the richest wasy. I went out into the heat, the humidity with Red and Lenore, stood in the Dahlia garden with my new girlfriends, I did the first four movements, I felt my feet part of the earth, my heart reaching out to the sky.
Every moment is amazing to me, a rebirth and renewal, an opportunity and a gift. One is no better than the others to me, no more amazing. No, I thought when I set out with my camera to capture another moment in my life, to share it on this blog, to receive so many amazing moments in return, I don’t need to go back for amazing moments, they are singing to me, waiting for me, lined up for the glorious eternity that is the rest of my life.