There are often big lessons in small things. There are always opportunities to reaffirm our humanity and connection to one another.

I wrote earlier this week about an unpleasant experience at a hotel we were planning to go to on our anniversary. We usually go to a wonderful old inn in Vermont, a beautiful and gracious place where we spent our honeymoon. We thought it would be good to try something new so Maria called and made the reservation. I got sick two days before the visit and Maria called to say we wanted to move it to Monday. The desk clerk said the hotel policy was not to refund any portion of the payment unless the cancellation is made seven days before the stay, there were no exceptions.

Maria protested politely, she said it didn’t seem reasonable not to simply transfer the reservation, but the clerk said no. I was lying in bed next to her at the time in a feverish daze and the loss of more than $200 is a very big deal to her, she has never had extra money lying around in her life and so she decided to call back and the innkeeper answered and said the policy was fixed. What about sending a doctor’s note?, she suggested, to prove we were telling the truth. I heard Maria repeat this and heard the upset in her voice, it was shaking a bit. Confrontation does not come easily for her.  Then, the innkeeper added, she was sure it was a 24 hour thing and we could come if we wished. Maria, a profoundly gentle soul, said we hadn’t been a doctor yet, and that I was quite sick. But the innkeeper stood firm.

Yesterday, I got steamed up at the way Maria had been treated. It didn’t seem appropriate to me. Maria can take care of herself, but I can take care of her too, sometimes, and I called the hotel and told the manager who answered that I did not believe in posting nasty messages on online travel sites, I preferred to talk directly to the people involved. I told him I didn’t think it was appropriate to make us feel like liars because we were sick. A few minutes later Maria came into my office smiling. “What have you done?,” she asked. The innkeeper had called her and apologized. She had Googled us online (I never mention that I am a writer or say anything about who I am) and she said she loved Maria’s blog and mine and said she felt badly, that we should come, and she was so sorry and if we weren’t  happy we didn’t have to pay at all.

It turned into an interesting question for Maria and I, several things sprang from it. Maria wanted to try something new. I was kind of irked at the place. I had just called the familiar inn – we spent our honeymoon there – and they said they were so happy we were coming and if I was still sick just call them at any time and there would be no charge at all. It made me want to go back there, I so associate it with our marriage. We did not argue, we rarely do, we just talked it through, slipping unconsciously into Quaker process, into patiently waiting to be clear. And we began to get clear. I’ve belonged to two Quaker Meetings in my life and one of the many good things I took from both was the idea of seeking a consensus, a common sense of things.

First, we accepted the apology of the innkeeper, took it to be sincere. We wanted to cause her and the hotel no harm – I have deliberately not mentioned it and won’t – people make mistakes all of the time, I sure do. I don’t want to act out of anger and it seems like a nice place to go. And while I use the Internet quite a bit, I don’t want it to replace human communications for me, the only way, I think, to resolve differences in a healthy and authentic way. I didn’t want to stew about it, or make it a bigger thing than it was. Our world seems so full of anger, complaint and disconnection, I don’t want to add any more. And I didn’t want the anger bubbling around in me either. The innkeeper and I are both humans beings doing our best.

Still, the experience tainted it a bit for me as a place to go for an anniversary celebration.  Maria had already let it go, but I love the old inn and our connection to it. So we talked it through a few times – we had plenty of time and I was in bed and she was taking care of me –  and so we decided this:

We are going to go to our usual inn next Monday to celebrate our anniversary, assuming I am not drooling or staggering around, and then this summer, we’ll go try the new place, we will hopefully meet the innkeeper.

It worked out well, I think, I was happy to drop my anger and move ahead. I am glad I didn’t storm away from it or just post something nasty online. I’ve never done that, although I know it can be helpful and useful sometimes. But you never really know what has happened, and you rarely get the chance to hear the other side. There is always another side. People have the right to explain and defend themselves.

For every connection the Internet makes, it can also push us apart from each other. The innkeeper did not, I think, mean any harm. And who knows, she may have had a problem with people who don’t show up. I confess to being small, to getting a chuckle at the though of her coming across our blogs. She did not know that I would never use the blog in that way or write about her by name or location, and I suspect she will treat the next illness cancellation differently. It came out well, I think.

This morning, Maria called her to make a reservation in July and she is giving us a suite for $200. She and Maria are friends already and I suspect we will be going there more than once. This is a point of light in a world that sometimes seems dark. I am going to give the innkeeper a book and Maria wants to make her a potholder. I bet we end up liking her and one of the lessons from small things I am reminded of is that a personal connection is always better than a nasty review.