I’ve been thinking lately about men, and about what it takes to be a man, and how men are (hopefully) changing. I believe men and women are different, they are neurally and culturally and genetically different and the roles of men and women, at least in my life, are changing radically. Like many men, there are somethings I did and some things I never did. Like laundry. I am learning in my life as a male, that the the things I never did, or never saw men doing, or never was asked or expected to do, are the things I need to do, things I need to learn to do. I felt I had to work hard to get to take equal responsibility for my daughter’s care. I felt I was often excluded from the intimate tasks of family that I saw women performing – cooking, changing diaper’s, soothing. It was just assumed that I wouldn’t know how to do them or be interested.

I never did laundry until recently, I just never did or even really knew how it was done. I never sorted clothes or hung them out to dry. I never really understood food or nutrition. I never did many of the things men do either, but in recent years, especially after meeting and marrying Maria, I have made a point of making some of these tasks mine. Maria is eclectic and flexible, she is not especially domestic, and so I do most of the cooking and shopping. It was curious, but she sort of took over doing the laundry, it was a continuation of the roles men and women seem to slip into. More and more I am doing it myself, just picking up those dirty clothes and running them through the washer and dryer, changing toilet paper, checking the refrigerator to see what we are running out of. I am working at gardening. I am learning recipes and experimenting with food. I pay attention to health and love helping Maria when she is sick. These are things I can do, things I like to do. They are helping me discover what it means to be a real man: to love, share and support. To nurture.

Real men, like older people, have a rough time finding models for their lives, apart from being a Navy Seal. They have no equivalent of the women’s movement, they often seem poorly equipped for modern life. Just look at Congress. Women are ascending everywhere, that is to me, a great hope for the world.

There are still many roles I – we- slip into. Maria often talks to the animals, nurtures them while I take photographs. Men like tools, are drawn to them. They are great places to hide. I remember a Harvard study on gender differences between women and men when it comes to loving animals. Women, said the study, love dogs because they see them as connecting emotionally to them. Men love dogs because they don’t talk. They are the perfect companions.

Change is always hard, men tend to do what they see their fathers and brothers do. I find it hard to be a man, there is no community of men.  Women are on the move, well-suited for connection, innovation, community. it is confusing to men to understand what it means to be a man in the modern world. I am glad to be a man who does laundry. I understand that I will have to be a role model for myself. There are many good men, but few of them talk to one another the way women sometimes do.