Thomas Merton taught me that life isn’t about what we fear, but what we want. It took me a very long time to absorb this idea, to put it into some kind of practice, to absorb it. When I wake up in the night, I am often thinking about what I fear. At least, I used to. This morning, after some years of hard work, repetition, concentration, focus (hard for me), I woke up thinking about what it was I really wanted. This was my list:

I want to hold the person I love in my arms and trust her completely, and accept the love she has for me. And share my love with her.

I want to do the work I love. To write a beautiful book that touches and inspires people, and makes them laugh and cry.

I want to be an honest and authentic person, to say what I mean.To trust my decisions and respect myself.

I wish to shed the drama and self-pity and sense of struggle that has shadowed my thinking at times and caused me to see myself as a victim, life as a struggle, a conflict, to blame other people for my frustrations, to seek their pity and support. I want my life to be an affirmation, not an argument.

I want to take beautiful photographs, ones that sometimes make people smile, or say wow.

I want to live in the natural world. To see  beautiful things out the window, hills and forests, mists and valleys, farms and streams.

I want to live a life connected to animals. To listen to them and learn from them, and draw from their wisdom and acceptance and the many other lessons of life they can teach me, if I listen.

I want to understand community, and be a part of one. To use what I have to do good. To pass on what I know to others. To help the poor when I can.

I want to be open to change and growth, every day of my life, to the end of it.

I want to live a life of faith, in myself, the people I love, the work I do, and the conviction that people are good

I want to age wisely and well, to make my own decisions about how I will live and how I will die, and not turn those choices over to greedy and indifferent people who want to profit from my life.

I want to see every day of my life as precious, and full of meaning and achievement. And peace and connection.

This is what I want? And you know what. This is what I have.