Red and I went to see Carol Tunney, a friend and shamanic healer yesterday. Her dogs Jack and Jill died last week and she said she hoped Red could come to a session I had requested for myself. I brought him and she asked if I wished him to accompany on my journey. Red goes everywhere with me, I said, I would like it very much. On the coldest day in years – the wind was paralyzing – we drove to Vermont, sat and talked with Carol, prepared for a journey together, a healing trip of discovery and imagination. Six months ago, I would not have gone to see a shaman, it is an important part of my life now.

I want to share something. Two weeks ago, I learned something about Red that I did not know. I can’t disclose any details because I was asked not to, but it seems that Red had been “brutally beaten” during one long period of his life. That is all I know. I didn’t mention it because I don’t see Red as having been abused, and I don’t want to pin that label on him, it seems that is often about human, not animal needs. There is nothing in my life with Red or my relationship with him that suggests a beaten or piteous creature and I want to keep it that way.  He trusts and loves people and seems grounded, yet there is something about him that is vulnerable, sometimes fragile. I was surprised but not shocked. It touched me.

Carol said Red was a spirit dog and that he had come into my life to be healed and to help me heal. Carol is a healer and her work with me has been tremendously helpful in my own self-awareness, search for a spiritual life and understanding of the role of fear in my life. So Red and I went on a journey together. It was an amazing thing.

Carol has been working with me on the idea of self-love, to love myself as much as I love Maria or anything else in my life, to speak of myself in a more loving and generous way, to appreciate myself more than I do and thus be stronger. I lay on her  table, surrounded by stones, listening to whistles, drums, rattles, chanting and prayer. Red sat on a sofa nearby watching. Soon, we went on our journey, back in time, into my life. At Carol’s suggestion, I was inside of a circle, me and my younger self – my four or five year-old self, the earliest one I could remember. Around us were people applauding us, celebrating us. We were basking in this approval, nodding, clapping in return.  We were experience love and appreciation. Suddenly, I took the boy’s hand and we began dancing together, jumping up and down, two parts of the same soul,  and Red began dancing around us, alongside of us, and the applause grew louder, as did laughter and cheering. And then the boy and I collapsed, joyously exhausted and Red’s tail was wagging, he was excited.

The boy took my hand and Carol invited me to ask him what it would take to make him smile again, to feel happy and safe. He asked me to sit with him, read to him talk to him. I told him he had no need to be frightened or ashamed, he had done nothing wrong. I told him he was a wonderful and loving spirit, a radiant soul and that he was precious and would find the love he wanted and needed. And guess what, I told him after a bit. I got the girl. It all worked out. Be proud and strong. Be hopeful. It will take you a long time, but you will get there. Don’t give up on it. You are not alone, you will never be alone.

And we both laughed and hugged one another – he seemed a sweet soul to me, quick to laugh and smile, gentle and open –  and I started to cry and Red’s tail began to wag and he whined a bit with me, I thought. In her journey, Carol saw the hurt in Red, some of the hurt in me. How powerful it was to go back and see me, the person I was born to be, will be again.  I felt calm and strong after the session, drained and at peace.  Red was excited, he stood up on the sofa, tail wagging and seemed to be applauding me. I applauded him, and he wriggled like a Lab with a bone. It will take me awhile to absorb this journey with Red, one of the most amazing I have ever taken with a dog, a journey back into my own past to recover the lost and damaged parts of me. What a beautiful trip.