So here’s a confessional story, one of affirmation and identity. Sunday,  I went to Mass MOCA, a museum in North Adams, Mass. with Maria. As soon as we got there,  I went into the men’s room  – I didn’t need to go to the men’s room – with a photograph in my head. I remembered this room from our last visit, a strikingly original design for a men’s room, a mix of modern fixtures – a yellow can and LED lighting – with old iron fixtures, perhaps from the original mill the museum is now located in.

I put photos of the  very hip looking urinal (there are very few hip looking urinals in America) up on Instagram – I didn’t want to unnerve my bloggers on a Sunday morning. People on Instagram loved the urinal photo:  a good friend of Maria’s, our friend Suzy, texted her and asked if she knew her husband was putting photos of urinals up on the Internet. Maria just laughed. She did not know, but was hardly surprised.

When I got home, I looked at the wash basin photo and put it up on the blog. Almost instantly there were some upset messages on Facebook. Well, huffed one person with a border collie photo ID, “this photo did not pass the test! FAIL!” I decided to take the photo down, I guess something inside of me was unsure about it, and I didn’t want to upset people. Then later, this kept coming back to me. Why did I take this photo down?  I like it.

If people are too delicate to see a self-photo of me with a wash basin in a men’s room, then they might be on the wrong site. There’s a lot worse coming that that. A few months ago, I would have unhesitatingly told this woman she was failing the test of manners on my site. I wasn’t aware that I was taking a test, or that I had asked anyone to grade me. The blog, as most of you know, is a personal expression of where I am at the moment, and I don’t take votes or orders about what I post.  I can’t usually even see all of the social media messages, I am not on Facebook much, they are not a factor in what I write or photograph. A couple of other posts appeared, a couple of other people were uncomfortable. They just didn’t want to see any photo coming from a men’s room.

This is a small thing, but a big thing. Why did I listen to this foolishness, why was I letting some tell me what to post, what photos to put up on the site? Was I suddenly unnerved? Was it because of the contributions I was receiving? Or the banner ad from Fromm Family Pet Foods? Was I being super cautious not to upset or offend anyone right now ? That wasn’t in my mind, yet I had taken down a photo I liked.

I am still in shock from the steady stream of contributions from people from all over the country and a good chunk of the world who appreciate the site and seem eager to pay something for using it. I know that if I was even asking this question about the photo, then I had to re-post the photo and explain what I am doing. And make sure my head was on straight. The contributions are wondrous – some people are sending $2 and $5 dollars, others from $10 to $20 to $200 – and all are meaningful, in any amount. They affirm my writing, my photography, they have resolved the years-old struggle of how to get paid fairly for my work while keeping the blog and photographs free. I love that people use them as screen savers, print them out, share them. I am grateful when they share my ideas. I don’t want to charge for that and the site is free for anyone who can’t contribute.

I see them all as points of light, sailing out into the world.

Something I resisted doing was so well worth doing. Lessons in that.  Thanks again. This will make it possible for me to keep the blog strong and free.That means a lot.

But I also have to be careful, have to be true. The blog is, at its core, a monologue, not a dialogue. One human being’s struggle to figure out how to live. If it starts getting into my head that people might be upset or annoyed by what I write or post, then the blog becomes just another corporate blah-blah, more background noise in the information maelstrom. That will not happen, I promise you. So I had to put this photo up again. And level with you.  It passes my test.