I had a remarkable nightmare the other night. I almost never remember my dreams, but I will not forget this one. It revealed an elemental truth to me, an important comprehension for me. In the dream, I was afraid, terrified. I was seeking help but could not find anyone to help me. Suddenly, I realized I could turn to my parents for help, I could ask them for help. I had a great sensation of calm, of peace, of great relief. I can’t recall feeling so safe and peaceful, I had found a solution to my fear. My parents would help me. I was not alone.

Almost immediately after that feeling of peace, I woke up, and I realized that my parents were dead. I experienced a great surge of terror, it was so intense it  reminded me of those stories about combat where soldier’s insides turn to ice.

I could feel this great physical experience, a bolt of ice surging from my heart light a bolt of lightning down into my stomach and beyond. It was an awful feeling, I could barely breathe and woke up in abject terror. What could the meaning of such a strange dream be? As I said, I never recall my dreams, and I never asked my parents for help, such a thing would have been almost inconceivable to me. I thought about this dream all day, as I was shaken and drained from it all of the day.

I talked to some people I trust about it. Here is the best I could do. The dream spoke to an elemental truth about life. There is great support, it is there if we seek it, and there is a feeling of great safety and peace. There is all the support in the world if we are open to it. Yet, there is also reality, the collision of the spiritual world with the real one. In the real world, we are on our own. No one can save us, there is no real support other than that which we provide ourselves. Even those who love and cherish us cannot support us if we do not support ourselves.

When we lose a job, get divorced, worry about money, get sick, lose a dog.

We tell our struggle stories, we put them out into the world so people will sympathize with us, make us feel better, come and support us. But I have learned that these stories of struggle and lament were a poison for me. They did not bring me help or comfort or support. They kept me mired in the sad stories of my life. Until I realized that my troubles were everybody’s troubles, we all struggle, we all experience fear and loss. That is the connection, and perhaps, the support. Beyond that realization, we must right and sustain ourselves, believe in our own power to navigate life, take responsibility for our sadness and joy.

In my dream, I experienced all of the support in the world, and also the realization that I must stand in my own life, my own truth. There is no one to rescue me. There never has been.

The dream spoke to the great dichotomy of life. I had experience a great sensation of peace and safety, and in the night. It is there for me, if I got it then, I can get it again. And again. But once we are launched into the world, we are responsible for ourselves, no one can rescue us from life. From its challenges and trials. Or from death. Our greatest support must come from within, from self-awareness and the strength to see ourselves truthfully. I believe I was meant to have this dream, and for several reasons. First, because I think it was the birth of my fear, very early in life reaching out to people who could not come, could not be there. And secondly, because it brought me to this very elemental truth about the world.

The only person who can truly support me, bring me to safety and security, is me. That, I think, was the message of this disturbing but beautiful and important dream.