I am offering a Bedlam Farm Storm Center Alert for today. For just a few cents a week, I will issue warnings, alerts and notifications on the emergency preparedness necessary to to survive the winter and also to survive media coverage of the popular horror show, “The Cliff.”

In keeping with new tradition, I am naming our storms. The Weather channel is naming storms so they can charge more money to advertisers selling things to frightened people. They have  named today’s storm “Euclid,” but that seems like a dull and meaningless name for me. I am fond of my storm, so I am going a gentler route – I’ll call her “Petunia.” Storm Center is warning us to stay indoors, do not drive, have food and water ready in our basement Armageddon Dystopian ready rooms.(We thought of stockpiling canned foods but went with Brie and crackers instead.)

But I am offering my own advice. Make sure you have an extra bottle of wine in the refrigerator. And some meditation beads – meditation is especially meaningful inside of houses during storms.

Make sure you have extra dog treats, and a fluffed up dog bed so your dogs can curl up by the fire and vegetate, as dogs do during big storms. Make sure you have gone to you local bookstore or pre-ordered books for your Kindle or Nook or Kobo so that you have plenty to read while staying home. We stack up on multi-grain snacks (you have to love capitalism – 20 rice and grain snacks for $6 in a big bag filled with air). Also apples, Kale and Chards for Vegeterian Lasagna.

Stock up on plenty of wood in the woodstove or fireplace. Have a list of friend’s phone numbers to call to yak in the late afternoon.

Make sure to have love and make love at every opportunity. Love is the coolest thing in the world, and it makes storms seem small and not that important.  Sex is even better if you can manage it. Keeps circulation going, and you won’t hear the wind howling outside. Then, pray for the angry men of the world, that they might soften their hearts and open their minds and get the hell out of everyone’s way.

Oh, yes, keep your toes warm. Felt liners. Make sure blankets are washed and clean. Load up your Ipod with Gregorian Chants and yes, even the mysterious and evocative Enya. Write poems and take some photos.

Offer for new visitors to Bedlam Farm Storm Center: emergency alerts and notifications will be free until the Polar Ice Cap melts. Then you are on  your own.