Gray is the color between black and white, a dark, dismal or gloomy state. Since Friday, the world around me has been gray, inside and out. This is not a political site, and I have worked hard to keep the angry and disconnected feel of the political world outside of it. That isn’t going to change. But I don’t live in a tunnel either. If we are agreed on anything in this suddenly alien-feeling country, it is a sense of sadness, of heavy hearts. Since Friday every day around the farm has been gray, in color and feeling, in weather and spirit. I would like to move on, but should I move on? My Christmas will have ghosts hovering around.
It will be a challenge to everyone to reclaim a feeling of Christmas, a sense of the holidays. I think it is important for me to try. A good friend, a UPS driver messaged me asking almost in desperation what I thought of gun control. Guns are not controversial up here, just about everyone has them. But nobody I know has a pre-conceived position on something like this. I don’t. I told my friend I had only gotten this far – if we can’t protect first graders in their classrooms, then we are a broken people. I will find my truth in this, and will not shout it at people or be shouted at.
Maria went off to have some coffee with friends this morning and I took Red and Lenore for a walk in the woods. Lenore loves to run into the woods and find dead deer guts or other dreadful things. Red keeps an eye on me, as always. He was with me at 3 a.m. On the walk, I was listening to my new Bruno Mars album from Itunes (my Iphone 5 is pushing aside the Ipad and the Ipod. . Siri and I see the road to fewer devices. The concert benefit for Hurricane Sandy is being downloaded right now). As I sang, Red tilted his head curiously. Probably didn’t hear anything like that in Ireland. I realized on the walk I was in a funk, something I should have sensed when I woke up at 3 a.m., demons having a rap dance in my head.
Perhaps it is the Sandy Hook School killings. Perhaps the gray and rainy skies. Perhaps the worries of life bearing down. As a photographer, I am a light and color man all the way, and gray is not my friend. I will take the camera into town today and see if there is a good photo in me, few things more healing than that.
Maria and I are planning an overnight trek to a Vermont inn Wednesday and Thursday. We are watching the weather as it looks like rain or snow for days. Hopefully, we will get there. They have offered us a free room as a reward for previous visits, and we are not letting that offer slip. Farmsitter will arrive tomorrow and take care of the dogs and animals. We are lucky to have Bailey, a hard-working farm girl and friend come. She is the only human besides Maria and me that Frieda has allowed to pet her. If Frieda will cuddle with here, she is golden with us. We love her too.
I want to use the trip to read, to think, to meditate, to listen to music, to be with my wonderful wife, to talk, have a good meal, sleep late, take a photo or two. I want to figure out how to make a transition from then to now, from Friday to Christmas. I don’t wish to ever forget it, that doesn’t seem right, but also to move forward with life. To try and reconcile this with Christmas. Meanwhile, I’ll be honest. Lots of gray. I have a feeling I will see the sun in the next day or so, and that will be a sign tome.