Five years ago, when my life seemed to collapsed around me, and I was holed up in my farm fortress, surrounded by money, people who did not love me, too many animals to know or care for, and drowning in panic, anger and confusion, I decided to change my life. I promised myself my life would not end in that way, that I would do whatever was necessary to change, to confront my problems, to lead a meaningful life, to find love.

I began a search for a spiritual life. Therapists, counselors, rabbis, ministers, intense reading of Christian and Jewish mystics, the Kabbalah, Merton, Aquinas. I studied meditation, found holistic physicians, did chanting, went on retreats, drummed, prayed, listened, talked. Maria and I have shared this journey, this business of changing, of becoming strong, of shedding anger and fear.

Today, this morning, another step in this process. I am going to see a Shaman, a Soul Retriever. Soul retrieval is about finding the broken and lost pieces of yourself, bringing them back, restoring the lost pieces of us. I do not expect miracles or transformations. Change and spirituality is hard and painstaking work. A woman told me the other day that I was  lucky to have my life, and I smiled inwardly. She should only know. Luck is for casinos and lotteries. Change and spirituality are just hard work, and I know in life nothing worthwhile is easy, nothing meaningful is lucky. You make your own life. Or not. Soul retrieval is a familiar idea for me. A shaman talked to me about my animals, more than once. And Shamonic healing is really not all that different than therapy for me – we look for the broken pieces of ourselves, those of us who had pieces stolen in our youth. And we try and bring them back. I think – hope –  this will help me in my evolving experience with fear. Things are changing inside of me, good things are happening.

I am open to soul retrieval, I can’t say I know it will change me or that it won’t. A spiritual journey teaches openness. I will try anything, do anything in my search for a full and meaningful and loving life. There is no price too great to pay for that. I will share the process, insofar as I can and should.