I’ve learned to focus my mind on what I want, not on what I fear. For much of my life, much of the world was a conflict for me, a series of pitched battles. The world was out to screw me, I thought, and often did. My publisher didn’t care about me, my work got little respect, I was mired in a loveless life, and I was constantly girding myself for struggle. When I thought about my life at all, I thought about what I feared, resented. If I thought about what I wanted, it was mostly in terms of complaining about why I didn’t have it. I loved struggle stories, they were my currency. I was angry that I could not be a photographer, and then decided to stop complaining about it and become one.

Nervous breakdowns as they are called can be helpful, if they shock the sleeping consciousness awake. Sure got to me. I decided to stop fighting with the world, and I worked to change. I have spent years trying to focus on what I want, not what I fear. For more than 60 years I could only sleep with the aid of prescription medications. Now I sleep well, and when I wake up, I tend to be thinking of what I want, not what I fear. What a shocking change for me. A sunrise. I am allergic to pity-me and struggle stories. I love my publisher and my editors, I am deeply grateful for the wonderful ways in which my work is received, and there are very few battles in my life, except the echoes of the old ones in my head. I have learned how to love and live with animals in a way that is good for them and wonderful for me. I am learning to open up. I am learning it all the time. It is not a straight line.  The conscious mind fights for its own way. I learned along the way not to believe people who tell me they can’t find love.If you can find it in West Hebron, N.Y., you can find it anywhere.

We all have setbacks, surprises, worries,  troubles. No life is free of that. But mostly I am thinking of what I want, and not what I fear. It is the biggest change in my life.