Since we decided to sell Bedlam Farm in December, a lot of people have asked me why we are moving, and especially, why I want to move, since the farm has been so important in my life and photography and work (and love.) These are, I think, fair questions (as opposed to inquiries about my trash) and I have thought a lot about good answers.

It was Thomas Merton who introduced me to the idea of the importance of rebirth in a meaningful life, almost as a ritual. He wrote that people need to step back and out of the the daily pattern of life – meditation, walks, hikes, sofas in the basement – and consider their lives.  Since then, I have studied – lived – ideas relating to awakening, rebirth and renewal. Thoreau, Campbell, Locke, Arendt. Aquinas. The Kabbalah.

I believe in these ideas, very much, although I did not know how difficult they would be, how much work and experimentation and thought they require, how stubborn is fear, anger and cynicism. I think it is time for me to give birth to myself again, in some ways. I want to be a writer, and a photographer. But there is a “we” now, not just a “me.” That is a profound change. I have found my partner in life and we want to make a home together. I would like a life that offers me new and different opportunities to creative. I do not see aging as the end of life, but as a beginning. I always wince when people mention “our age,” as I wonder just what age they mean.

So one reason I want to move is to live in a home that Maria and I choose together. Our place. Although Maria loves her Studio Barn, she also loves the notion of independence and self-sufficiency. We both want the same thing, to prepare and work on a home together. This home has different meanings for each of us. I expect it will be my last home in this life. That is my intention. I am older than Maria.  We both want a place Maria would want to live in, and stay in, beyond me. I want that very much for her.  I bought this farm, furnished it, made it a brand. But we take the next step together. That means a new home must have studio and gallery space for her, writing space for me, good pastures and barns and fields for the dogs, donkeys, cats and chickens. A creative place with feeling, character.

Another reason is more personal. When I bought this farm, I was almost literally a different person. I think back on my life then, and I just shake my head in wonder, at what I was like, how I lived, how I survived it.  So much about my life was different than now, as many of the people who have read this blog perhaps know. I love the farm, it is a beautiful and beautifully restored place, a wonderful and creative home. Someone will love it as much as I do. But in some ways, it is not me any longer.

I see a life where I am freer to write different kinds of books, take more time. Where I can mow my own lawn, shovel my own walk. I want to be a better photographer, to focus more intensely on my animal stories, the core of what I do in my words and pictures. So that, I think, is why I want to move.  Why we want to move.  We are closing in a home we both love, and that fits us, and we are considering making an offer on it in the next few weeks.