August 31, 2008 – The Hospice Journal distorts reality, in a way, because I only take photographs of people who are feeling well, and are presentable. Today was one of those days in hospice work where reality hits you in the face like a bucket of cold water.
  I saw four different patients, three in one nursing home, and I couldn’t and shouldn’t have taken a photo of any of them. They were all in distress.
  When we walked into the nursing home where Marion and two other people we visit are living, the fire alarm went off the second we got into the wing, and the alarms and flashing lights were deafening and blinding. The nurses got all the patients into their rooms, and closed all of the doors, as instructe, and Izzy and I helped reassure some of the confused Alzheimer’s and dementia patients.
  The alarms went off after a few minutes, and it was either a drill or something in another wing. One of the people we went to see was weak, vomiting and had severe digestive troubles. Another was agitated, so angry and confused that it wasn’t safe for Izzy to go near her. Yet another was unhappy, crying for her late husband, almost impossible to comfort. We visited Marion, who was happy to see Izzy, but who was too ill to be photographed. Izzy was amazing, staying close to her and her daughter Betsy, even though she was ill.
  The nurses, cheerful and competent as always, were rushing from one emergency to another. I held Marion’s hand, and she stared so lovingly at Izzy, it brightened the day.
  Sometimes, when I write about hospice I wrote about love and intimacy on the edge of life, but sometimes I just have to be honest and say that the edge of life can be a dark and disturbing place, filled with pain and loss, sickness and confusion. That’s only part of the story, but it is part of the story. I was drained, saddened by all the pain and sorrow we saw today.
  It is important that I wrote about both, really, the love and the sorrow. That is a writer’s job, and without the sometimes heartwarming photos of Izzy and beautiful people like Marion, it is easy to do.
  Today was sobering, a reminder to be careful about that.