June 28, 2008 – The Lord says fear not – he is with us even when we ignore him. I don’t know where God is or isn’t, truly, but many people, I think, do feel fear, quite often and it shapes and affects their lives.
  Fear is a feeling, an emotion perhaps that is supposed to alert us to trouble or danger. I have come to see fear as a geographic entity, a bridge, something tangible, something we often have to cross over to do something we want to do, to live our lives, and free the parts of ourselves that need to be freed.
  I can see why fear can be useful as a warning system, but I also see why it can be crippling, a border, a boundary between us and things we want or need to do. I live with fear much of the time, I feel it in the morning when I wake up, or in the evening when I go to sleep. It rises up often during the day, grabs me by the throat, races my heart, fills my chest with its dreadful rise.
  I fear losing the farm, being unable to live here, failing my family and friends, writing poorly, taking bad photos, running out of money, making bad choices, failing to care for the animals,  keeling over in the woods in a diabetic coma, re-injuring my spine, running out of time, failing to learn enough about myself to be the human I want to be.
  Fear is, I think, a barrier, a lock, something I have to conquer, crawl over, open. I get messages all day from people who are afraid, who want to try or do something but can’t, because they are afraid, or someone makes them afraid, or they don’t quite know how to get past the fear.
  I  often feel helpless reading these messages, because I am not a guru, not Oprah, not Dr. Phil or a therapist. I don’t know enough, have enough wise words, or any magic wand. I always want to say, fear is a feeling, and it can’t, in itself hurt you or stop you. Why, I want to say, you can walk right through it, really, you just don’t know it.
  Fear is a ghost, in some ways, flitting around, popping up here and there, and you can’t see it, only feel it’s clammy hand. In one way or another, I have been battling with fear my whole life, and I have come to see that it is not a struggle that will ever be won or resolved, just one that continues every day the sun comes up, and lasts through the day and night.
  Fear does better in the dark than the light. There is help for it. I respect it, but mostly, do not give in to it, or it will eat me up, and spit me out like a seed, and there will be nothing left of me.
  Every good thing I have done in my life has been in spite of fear, despite fear, because fear is a transient feeling, mostly and I can many times walk right through it, laugh it, jeer and thumb my nose at it.
  I can’t speak for others, or help them really, we can only do that for ourselves. I have gotten help when I needed it, and get it still from people who love me and help me, and I believe the strong get help, and that help works if you want it to and work at it. But I don’t believe there is just one confrontation with fear, I think it is an organic part of us, and confronts us every day, goes wherever we go.
   I believe fear is a place I walk through, again and again and again. But it is sweet for me to laugh at it sometimes, and think, hey, I slipped past you again today. You will not catch me or stop me today.
   I like to step back, and look at fear from a distance sometimes, and say to it that I will not let it conquer me or make decisions for me, or stop me in my tracks, or lead me to a life of regrets, in which I will say I wish I had lived my life.