November 21, 2007 – Happy Thanksgiving. The holidays are a struggle for a lot of people, and joviality can be forced. I never feel a particular need to list all of the things I am grateful for, although they are important, and it is important that I remember them. Thanksgiving suggests a particular image of a happy  family, and a bountiful one, and I know that for people who don’t quite fit that image, it can be a painful time. The holidays are always an odd mix of pleasure and melancholy.
  I have a friend who once wrote that every day is a choice, and every morning, she got up and looked in mirror and chose to live well. When she couldn’t make that choice, she said, her life would have lost a lot of its meaning. I’ve taken up her notion, and do the same thing.
  I’ve never quite understood gratitude completely, other than it’s one of those words thrown around quite a bit, but little understood.
   When I think of it, I think of appreciating things more. I think today of a woman Izzy and I visited in a nursing home under hospice care yesterday, and saw her, through great pain and discomfort, repeatedly apologize to us because we had no place to sit and she couldn’t offer us tea or food. I know a woman who has lots of other problems who will spend the holiday in the hospital because she needs oxygen and can’t get any on a holiday, so can’t go home. I could hardly believe that in the midst of all of her pain, she was thinking of being hospitable, something that even pain, illness and death couldn’t obliterate. I appreciate her.
  I am happy to be with my family, and to be seeing some of my friends, who have become increasingly important to me. Paula has provided me boundless support and encouragement, as well as love, and I miss Emma, who lives in New York and who I don’t see often enough. She is coming up with Pearl, the great writing support dog. She’s arrived, as I’m writing this, and the iPod speaker has been moved into the kitchen, and the women in my life are making candied yams, of all things. It gets a bit tense in there so I keep out. Later, the two of the will do battle in frightening  Scrabble games, and it’s best to stay away from that as well.
     I am grateful for my friend Anthony, who keeps his sense of humor and commitment to life. And Becky, whose faith and loyalty are very grounding. I love seeing Maria making her art in the studio barn. I am especially mindful of the farm, and all of the powerful things it has brought me. I could listen to Mary read her poems all day. I am mindful of my friend Brian in New York and of how hard he has fought for me and my work.
    Oddly, animals play a significant part in my life, as well as people. This seems odd to me, as it is recent. Ten years ago it wasn’t true. Now, I visit with a 2,500 pound steer each day and give popcorn to goats. Dogs led me to the farm, and donkeys, sheep, cows and goats occupy me. I am writing a book about these animals called Barnyard Tales, centered on Rose and her mastery of the farm. So they have given me the gift of books,  and their contributions to my existence evolve.
    Rose and I took the sheep out today and I am reminded of how essential she is to my life here. Izzy astounded me again yesterday during his hospice work by the diligence and affection he brought to a dying person, approaching her gently and repeatedly until she became aware of his presence and smiled. I am wild about Lenore, a joyful beast, full of love and energy and good will, loving me without condition despite my many flaws and faults. I am thankful to Audrey for giving Emma such a wonderful home, and she is such a deserving dog.
  I am fortunate to be a writer, and for the pictures I am taking and am aware of the miracle of friendship people her have brought me. I am not so much grateful as lucky.
  Family is a strange thing for me. My own family was troubled, and none of us ended up close to one another, which is sad but sometimes the lot of families. So I find that I have another family, human and animal, and it as loving and supportive as I wished my first family could have been. A sad trade, but I’ll take it, and definitely something to appreciate.