I was thinking of the Nobel Laureate Isaac Singer today, I remember at the end of his memoir, Lost In America, written soon after he fled the Nazi’s and came to America, that he threw open the windows  of his crowded new immigrant apartment and shouted to the world outside, “I am lost, lost in America.”

He was bewildered by his new country, and overwhelmed, and that’s why I thought of him today, for the first time in my life that I can remember, I felt overwhelmed and lost in America, the only country I have ever known.

I’m struggling to find my place here, sinking deeper into the good works we are doing  her, and finding solace and comfort from it.

I could not bear to watch much of the day-long hearings in the Senate, the pain and hurt and rage was too much for me to bear, and I am not delicate or frail. I just couldn’t really stand to see what has happened to our country, a brave and wonderful new system of government that has survived for centuries, a noble if often ignoble experiment.

Today, I watched two herds of elephants crash into one another, hour after hour.

I have a rabidly conservative friend in Philadelphia and a progressive friend in San Francisco, and I asked them both to text me about the hearings from time to time, I wanted to see how each reacted.

At the end of the day, they each were thrilled, but for completely opposite reasons. My progressive friend was overjoyed by the testimony of Dr. Ford, my Trump-loving friend was equally uplifted by the angry and emotional performance of Judge Kavanaugh.

“This is a great day,” said my progressive friend, “Dr. Ford was brilliant, she has inspired women to stand up for themselves, this will bring real change.” My conservative friend was enthralled that the Judge had let the Democrats have it, and stood up for himself, just like the President does. “I loved it,” he said, “he really threw some truth at them.”

He was especially pleased by Senator Lindsey Graham’s outburst.

And so this is it in America, I often feel caught in the middle of these two disparate, angry and very different worlds, one never quite gets on top of the other, they simple battle and rage and fall over one cliff after another. Values matter less and less, only positions and outcomes.

I am learning that ideology is a poison, you can get sick just from  watching it or breathing it. What a sad day.

Everyone believes they know the right thing, and cannot listen or change or even speak to the other side.

In the animal world, when animals fight, one invariably wins and drives off or kills the other. Struggles are resolved.

In the political world, no one ever wins and the battle never ends, it just gets bloodier and angrier. It feels like two armies that fight on and on, and one can never conquer the other. They fight for so long and so hard it simply becomes a way of life. This is the poison of the left and right, the two ideologies that each us to close our minds and never think.

I felt today that I was trapped between two giant melting ice bergs come together to to crush me in the middle. I felt unmoored, and unsure of my country. There is really no place for people like me to go that is neither shrinking or out of this awful loop. If you seek to think for yourself, you are an outcast, wandering on the edge.

I couldn’t find a thing to feel good about or to crow up in that dreary day of rage and manipulation and posturing. Nobody can win on a day like that, no one can even  be unquestionably right. I can’t keep track of what right is.

I spent my day taking photos,  driving to Saratoga to learn that my dental implant is failing, and must come out. And waiting for news of Bud on his truck heading North. That feels good. I will bring some new shoes to Jerry at the Mansion Friday morning,  hers have big holes in them. That feels good too.

Hope.