A woman told me she loves her dog so much she is afraid to go on vacation without her. A friend told me that she loves her son so much she can’t bear to be apart from him, even for a night, as she fears for him. My mother would often call me and tell me she was so worried about me that she needed to call me to reassure herself that I was all right. When I was first living with Maria, I was frightened about her driving her car to to work in a snowstorm. A neighbor told me she is afraid to leave her dog in a kennel when she travels, as he might be upset. I know a woman who told me she never wanted her children to go away to college because she would miss them, and fear for them. A successful and attractive and happily married woman told me she was afraid to bring a child into the world, as the world is so awful and fearful a place.

In my life, I have learned that fear is not love. Fear is the opposite of love, it smothers love and distorts it. Love to me is telling my daughter that it is wonderful for me to live apart from her knowing she is living her own life in her own way. And to know she can take care of herself without me. I am happy to leave my dogs in the care of a good kennel or a good pet-sitter, and appreciate knowing that we can part safely and happily and without harm. They do not need to go on vacation with me, as I enjoy a vacation from caring for them. Love is not about clinging to people or animals, for me, but just the opposite. Living in relationships without fear or control or worry. I never wanted to get those calls from my mother, it never felt like love to me.

My love for Maria was reinforced when I realized – and told her – that she could take care of herself, even in a snowstorm, without my worry or interference. And she did. Fear and love are not the same thing, and do not flourish and deepen together.

You have to have fear and to overcome fear to know love. Then, love can grow and breathe.