February 15, 2020- Some snow coming tomorrow, 1 – 3 inches. Meeting with a doctor who has studied meditation, want to deepen my understanding of it.

I understand that it is very difficult for some people to keep up with my life. Truthfully, “Bedlam” is no longer an apt name for this farm, which is a pretty quiet and peaceful place this days.

People read books from all over the world, then come onto Bedlamfarm.com and look for Elvis, of the goats, or for photos of Rose herding sheeping. They read about one wife, and now there is a different person here, Maria. There are lots of messages – some funny, some not – wondering where things stand. Where is Winston? Am I selling the farm? What will I write about? Where is Pearl? Clementine? Orson? Homer?

I can’t answer all of these questions, obviously. I don’t have time (remember E.B.White’s plea: there are thousands of you and one of me) and I don’t discuss my personal life with strangers online. I write what I can on the blog and in books, and that is the boundary. But I sympathize with the confusion.

My life has been filled with change, some of it chaotic. I nearly broke down, got divorced, came to see that so many animals were a profound threat to my writing, financial life and sanity. Lots of people are gone from my life, as well as animals. Many of them needed to go, and ought to have gone. Some are losses that are painful. I take responsibility.

All of this change is part of the story, I’m afraid, a reflection of where I was and where I am. It yielded books and stories, dramas and experience. But it was also a mask, a circus behind which to hide some deep and painful problems. I do not believe I knew myself, or quite know myself yet.

I am not a farmer, a dog trainer, or a zookeeper, or even a shepherd. I don’t live to rescue animals, or even relish having too many of them around, apart from the dogs and cats.  I’m a writer, who uses animals, especially dogs, to explore the human experience, and in particularly, the human emotional experience. I’m a photographer, and love capturing the images and light of the world. I write children’s books, and am eager to touch the imagination of kids.

I have needed to grow up, conquer fear, manage my life, find myself, conquer and face some deep and awful problems, issues that made me and those around me crazy and that were self-destructive and unhealthy. I am changing. I am lucky to have found love, opened up, and dropped the notion that I had to have a three-ring circus to be a writer. Now, it is me and my imagination. A wonderful woman, four great dogs I love, and time to make it up, drawing from all that experience – fiction, children’s books, photographs. I think my work is better for it, and so am I.

One day, I’ll sum it all up. In the meantime, it’s a process, and I guess we’re all in it.